No. 0200

Life and Death
Jan Butler
2001 started off really well for me. I had got on top of all my Christmas debts, all was well and I was feeling rather smug with myself. Then 2 weeks into February a routine check-up led to a referral to the hospital for further investigation and treatment. In less than a minute my contented life was turned upside down. My mind was whirling with fearful thoughts which went racing off down a negative road, gathering momentum like a snow ball getting bigger and bigger. I was totally unable to stop them and I had myself dead and buried by the end of the year. Every time I looked at my son I felt absolute despair and indescribable sorrow and pain.
I realized I had to get a grip on these thoughts before they sent me totally mad. It came to me that I should sit with this. I didn’t think this would be possible with the state that I was in, but sit I did.
30 minutes passed in a flash and as I stood up the difference I felt was unbelievable. I was calm again and I felt a sort of reassurance that everything would be alright and this feeling stayed for the rest of the day. The next day fearful thoughts returned along with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I sat again and all the anxiety disappeared.
I am quite new to Buddhism and up until now, really struggled with meditation and the things it has shown me about myself which haven’t been pleasant, but it has been my saviour over this anxious time. I have since discovered that the tests and treatment are nothing serious to worry about. However I never want to forget those two nerve-wracking weeks, however painful they were. I learnt many valuable lessons. I realized how precious my life is and how much time I spend on trivial unimportant distractions. “This body is as transient as dew on the grass, life passes as swiftly as a flash of lightening, quickly the body passes away, in a moment life is gone”, rings in my ears with an understanding not previously known. Two weeks of deep reflection on my own mortality has brought a different feeling to my meditation and a fullness and richness to everything I do, however interesting or mundane. Whilst still scared to death at the thought of my own death (there’s something for me to work on!), the whole experience has made Buddhism much more personal for me and, brought it closer to my heart. I realize the truth found in the last line of the Sandokai “Do not waste time.”
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